“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” ~ Aristotle
As we move beyond the searing pain of a life cut short, we start to realize that GRACE matters.
It was today, 3 years ago that Jan asked me a profound question, “Am I going to die?”
Never once, in 30 years of a perfect marriage, had we ever discussed this subject in such a black-and-white, do-or-die context.
“We all die,” I opined as she lay there growing more frail by the hour. “You are fighting for life and that’s all that matters,” I said as I put my head on Jan’s softly heaving breasts.
The cancer and chemo were taking a terrible toll, but Jan was still the happy, hopeful, and loving wife I found and married 30 years earlier.
“Sweetheart, we will have our answer in the morning. You have been fighting with every breath you take and every fiber in your body. Only God knows if you or brain cancer is winning,” I offered. “Kent and I will be with you and we shall huddle around that beautiful Christmas tree when we get back from your MRI this afternoon.”
Jan smiled, as Christmas was her favorite time of the year and Manor Care had a beautiful tree displayed in the lobby. Clearly, our Christmas prayer was that the drugs were working and she was slowly beating the ravaging effects of a type of cancer that is so rare I still cannot pronounce its name correctly.
Of course, the next morning we got the results — not what we hoped and prayed for, but the MRI was conclusive: even with aggressive treatment, cancer won.
Telling our kids and grandkids the truth was hard. None of us wanted to hear that we lost the fight. Yes, we were all devastated, angry, and helpless to reconcile reality with our hopes. Especially at Christmas time.
Experts call it “pre-grief”, but when you have been given the death sentence, everything changes. You are no longer looking to the future for life among the living… you are praying for life after death.
And so it is now three years later…
I have slowly moved forward, in GRACE: Gratitude, Resilience, Authenticity, Creativity, and Empathy…
My GRATITUDE for 30 wonderful years of marriage has sustained me, forcing me to look at my life from a glass-half-full perspective.
My forced RESILIENCE has become true resilience. It took time but I was forced to look through the lens of possibilities and potentialities at the AUTHENTIC me.
When I looked in the mirror I did not see me. I saw a man who just lost the fight of his life. This revelation caused me to grow up, to find my true sense of being.
Forced, CREATIVE growth was a bit painful but like stretching any muscle, the pain goes away as strength builds.
To survive to thrive I had to become both, creative and EMPATHETIC at the same time. This was not hard to do. It was cathartic.
We will all face DEATH… please do it with GRACE…
I still miss my dear Jan more than you can imagine. Being lonely for someone, or missing a person is not the same as grieving their loss.
Many people confuse this natural continuum of emotions as constantly living in grief. They are not the same things.
Follow the path to GRACE and grief just becomes a feeling you experience once.
Grace vs. grief is like the difference between the courageous and the coward.
The hero may well die, but only once.
The coward dies a bit each day — committing slow-motion suicide living in constant fear of life itself.
Three years is a long time to be on my own…
Yes, I have stumbled a bit. Yes, I wish none of this ever happened.
But, Jan’s love endures, and while I might have been better prepared, time and life keep moving forward.
I am now better prepared to face the 3rd anniversary of her death, With Grace.
Eric Richard Haas
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